I kept putting my passion for music under the carpet as I didn’t care about it anymore. I spent basically my teenage years writing music, playing around, dreaming of becoming a singer. I went to live in London with the aim of embracing this dream again and really expanding it. I got stop. By my fears and all the voices in my head saying ‘You’re not good enough, you don’t sing so well, there are so many singers around, especially in London’. So I started to do other things, that I love and tried to avoid the confrontation with this part of me. Looking into my music worlds, means taking responsibility for letting it go too easily but above all, letting people tell me what to do, what to think, who to be.
Of course, by being like that, there is no satisfaction. There is no sense of freedom and space. There is no excitement of taking on a new project with deadlines and specific steps to follow.
I went back to Switzerland where I come from, for a 5 days holiday. I was sitting in my mum’s garden yesterday, staring at my piano and thinking of all the time spent on that piano writing songs, being inspired by my creativity.
Suddenly, I got so present to all this lack of integrity and responsibility in my life. And all these fears which has driven me so far! I have become them. There was no passion anymore, no commitment, no intention. Nothing! I pretended for years that I wanted to go back to my music but really.. I haven’t done anything. I didn’t take myself seriously, just said a couple of words to keep my ego calm.
And now, looking at these little fears against my uncomfortable passion which I can’t hide anymore under the carpet, they seem so useless.
I sat down in front of my piano. It was very out of tune, aha! I started to play it and I loved it. I said to my mum: ‘I’m going to bring it to London!’ The passion is back, or it has never left. I have just started to write down the very first chords of my next song and I feel so alive!
This is what I am taking with me from my Swiss retreat – as I like to call it. I’ve got my music back and I’ve got my responsibility back. All the rest is just a bunch of boring stories that I can’t tell myself anymore.
I hope that this little share may provide some inspiration to those of you who are experiencing same things in their life.
Back into action now! Writing, performing, sharing. Watch the space.